One of my most difficult-to-hide-from-the-general-public personality defects is my inability to make decisions. I attribute this to my astrological sign. It's not my fault I was born a Libra.
Anyway, the other day, in preparation for my move, I attempted to purchase a car. My mom found it in Omaha and because I trust my mom's judgment completely, I considered buying it even without seeing it in person. The car looked beautiful in pictures and was exactly the type I wanted...small, red, hatchback, manual, low miles, ok price. My mom confirmed the car moved fast which unexpectedly kinda gave me a hard on. The salesman was also unexpectedly kind which calmed my nerves.
For three days, I was nearly consumed with this decision. I investigated every aspect...car reviews, insurance companies, car transport options, Kelly's Blue Book, loan managers. I knew this car inside and out. I decided to buy it! I would call the dealership first thing in the morning.
Naturally, the car had been purchased by someone else just 12 hours before I called.
In stunned disbelief, I thanked the man and sat quietly for a minute. I had been so proud of myself for finally feeling confident about a 60 month commitment. But, I also managed my disappointment by reminding myself that I, Rachael, cannot and will not make uninformed decisions. I cannot be rushed. When the time is right, I'll decide and not before.
This can be infuriating to my friends, lovers, and used car salesmen, I realize. But, like other things in life that moved too fast for me, stepping aside and letting them pass is, frankly, the only way I know how to react. Like other things in life, if it didn't work out, it must not have meant to be.
However, the next time a find a sporty little red rocket on wheels, I will wrestle anyone who tries to snatch it out from under me. I mean it.
Don't Wait Too Long by Madeleine Peyroux
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I always feel the same...
I've always had a soft spot for the Lone Star state after spending my first year of college in Fort Worth. Also, I have an unexplainable attraction to men from Texas and I really like margaritas. If those aren't good enough reasons to pick up my life and plunk it down in Austin, I don't know what are.
I'm heading South (XSW) and bidding farewell to rats, douche bags, and a posse of amazing friends later this summer. I'm equal parts thrilled and terrified. Convincing my friends this was the correct decision was easy, for the most part. Austin is well-loved by most intelligent Americans and my clear penchant for all things Texas made my decision to move no surprise to most. There are a few stragglers that still need convincing however so here's a list of reasons why Austin is the best place ever.
1. Music.
2. More music.
3. Music everywhere, even in the airport.
4. Handsome, tall, polite men with accents.
5. Real estate is heaps cheaper in Austin than in DC.
6. My name will likely be changed to something like "Darlin'" or "Sugar."
7. Tex-mex pretty much is the best thing ever.
8. Warm weather and proper thunder storms.
9. There is a lake upon which i may be invited to float.
10. Did i mention handsome, charming men playing music?
Of course, there are other things like my job and my ever-growing aversion to life in DC (i.e. crappy apartment, horrible dating pool, etc.) that contributed to my decision. More on that later, i'm sure. Now all I need is a pair of boots (and NOT the Fluevog variety). Wish me luck!
I Can't See Texas From Here by George Strait
I'm heading South (XSW) and bidding farewell to rats, douche bags, and a posse of amazing friends later this summer. I'm equal parts thrilled and terrified. Convincing my friends this was the correct decision was easy, for the most part. Austin is well-loved by most intelligent Americans and my clear penchant for all things Texas made my decision to move no surprise to most. There are a few stragglers that still need convincing however so here's a list of reasons why Austin is the best place ever.
1. Music.
2. More music.
3. Music everywhere, even in the airport.
4. Handsome, tall, polite men with accents.
5. Real estate is heaps cheaper in Austin than in DC.
6. My name will likely be changed to something like "Darlin'" or "Sugar."
7. Tex-mex pretty much is the best thing ever.
8. Warm weather and proper thunder storms.
9. There is a lake upon which i may be invited to float.
10. Did i mention handsome, charming men playing music?
Of course, there are other things like my job and my ever-growing aversion to life in DC (i.e. crappy apartment, horrible dating pool, etc.) that contributed to my decision. More on that later, i'm sure. Now all I need is a pair of boots (and NOT the Fluevog variety). Wish me luck!
I Can't See Texas From Here by George Strait
Monday, April 19, 2010
Not so incredibly terrible and awful
The other day I ran into my ex. It has been almost a year and we have not spoken or seen each other.
I was dreading this collision in epic proportions. I anticipated choking on whatever had just been put in my mouth, making an ungraceful run for the nearest exit, start shooting doubles, and then call my mom in a drunken, teary panic at 1am. It didn't turn out like that at all.
First, I was out with another man who might believe I was sent to Earth directly from heaven. He is forever reminding me that I'm kinda awesome and deserve to be treated as such. May the universe shower this man with good fortune and happiness.
Also, I looked pretty because I had been on date earlier. I'm not sure how much good karma i cashed in to make this happen but it was so worth it.
I was able to walk right up, say hello politely, and then high-tail it outta there with minimal psychological/liver damage.
Strangely, and most importantly, I didn't experience the icky stomach flop expected the first time i unexpectedly see someone that i used to love very much. I felt a little shaken, but mostly I felt nothing. And feeling nothing without trying to is hard to do. Trust me. I've been trying to feel nothing about this boy for a long time now. Mission accomplished, evidently. What a relief?!
Saying "hello" and ultimately "goodbye" can actually feel kinda like a breath of fresh air; like a decompression of the weight that can sit on your chest as long as you allow it. And that doesn't feel at all like nothing. It feels good...damn good.
So Long Sweet Misery by Brett Dennen
I was dreading this collision in epic proportions. I anticipated choking on whatever had just been put in my mouth, making an ungraceful run for the nearest exit, start shooting doubles, and then call my mom in a drunken, teary panic at 1am. It didn't turn out like that at all.
First, I was out with another man who might believe I was sent to Earth directly from heaven. He is forever reminding me that I'm kinda awesome and deserve to be treated as such. May the universe shower this man with good fortune and happiness.
Also, I looked pretty because I had been on date earlier. I'm not sure how much good karma i cashed in to make this happen but it was so worth it.
I was able to walk right up, say hello politely, and then high-tail it outta there with minimal psychological/liver damage.
Strangely, and most importantly, I didn't experience the icky stomach flop expected the first time i unexpectedly see someone that i used to love very much. I felt a little shaken, but mostly I felt nothing. And feeling nothing without trying to is hard to do. Trust me. I've been trying to feel nothing about this boy for a long time now. Mission accomplished, evidently. What a relief?!
Saying "hello" and ultimately "goodbye" can actually feel kinda like a breath of fresh air; like a decompression of the weight that can sit on your chest as long as you allow it. And that doesn't feel at all like nothing. It feels good...damn good.
So Long Sweet Misery by Brett Dennen
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Sparkly Red Shoes
The last couple weeks have been ones of pretty extreme change. Not unexpected by any means, but disruptive nonetheless. Knowing a giant upheaval was coming down the pipeline, I prepared myself the only way I know how…with distractions and denial comparable to psychosis.
One of my dearest and longest-running friends moved to Sydney, Australia. We met each other at my very first job out of college. I’d been in DC not quite a month and was lonely, broke, and second-guessing my decision to move to the East Coast. She was also a gypsy new to town so we had lots in common…we had both lived in Australia, we both wanted to save the world (but were finding out it was much harder than expected), we shared a love of long lady chats, and, best of all, we shared a love of cocktails in dive bars. We became fast friends and have spent the last 6.5 years working our way through countless of life’s growing pains and celebrations.
I was so sorry to see her go in a selfish way, but also thrilled she was moving back to Sydney with a man of unparalleled fabulocity and heaps of hope, wisdom, and excitement. The prospect of spending the next summer without her gentle guidance is terrifying, to say the least. (In my personal staff of life teachers she represents sanity, thoughtfulness, and Cajun food…subjects I clearly have not yet mastered.) I foresee many melancholy nights ahead. But, I also foresee fabulous winter getaways in the southern hemisphere and the new benefit of cataloging her wise ways in carefully organized email folders, a thing I’ve always wished I could do with some of our in-person conversations. Email folder titles will be along the lines of: Inappropriate Things Exes Ask, Red Wine, White Wine, Things overheard in wine bars, Wombat Sightings, Music I should be appreciating, etc.
I cried on the phone with my mom for a long time the night she left. To make her exodus feel less traumatic, I planned a birthday party for my dog. This was convenient because it kept me very busy with things that didn’t really need to be done. Hooray!
So, now that I’ve learned to make proper cheesecake, destroyed my apartment and then cleaned it up again, and worked my way tediously through several bottles of champagne, I think I’m finally ready to wish The Shazzer the best of luck in her new home. Also, I hear that in Oz when things feel a little uncool, you just click your fab shoes together and say there’s no place like home. Evidently everything gets way better if you do that. I’ll miss ya girl!
Wish I by Jem
One of my dearest and longest-running friends moved to Sydney, Australia. We met each other at my very first job out of college. I’d been in DC not quite a month and was lonely, broke, and second-guessing my decision to move to the East Coast. She was also a gypsy new to town so we had lots in common…we had both lived in Australia, we both wanted to save the world (but were finding out it was much harder than expected), we shared a love of long lady chats, and, best of all, we shared a love of cocktails in dive bars. We became fast friends and have spent the last 6.5 years working our way through countless of life’s growing pains and celebrations.
I was so sorry to see her go in a selfish way, but also thrilled she was moving back to Sydney with a man of unparalleled fabulocity and heaps of hope, wisdom, and excitement. The prospect of spending the next summer without her gentle guidance is terrifying, to say the least. (In my personal staff of life teachers she represents sanity, thoughtfulness, and Cajun food…subjects I clearly have not yet mastered.) I foresee many melancholy nights ahead. But, I also foresee fabulous winter getaways in the southern hemisphere and the new benefit of cataloging her wise ways in carefully organized email folders, a thing I’ve always wished I could do with some of our in-person conversations. Email folder titles will be along the lines of: Inappropriate Things Exes Ask, Red Wine, White Wine, Things overheard in wine bars, Wombat Sightings, Music I should be appreciating, etc.
I cried on the phone with my mom for a long time the night she left. To make her exodus feel less traumatic, I planned a birthday party for my dog. This was convenient because it kept me very busy with things that didn’t really need to be done. Hooray!
So, now that I’ve learned to make proper cheesecake, destroyed my apartment and then cleaned it up again, and worked my way tediously through several bottles of champagne, I think I’m finally ready to wish The Shazzer the best of luck in her new home. Also, I hear that in Oz when things feel a little uncool, you just click your fab shoes together and say there’s no place like home. Evidently everything gets way better if you do that. I’ll miss ya girl!
Wish I by Jem
Monday, March 8, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Password Protected
Working at a software company requires a relentless, mind-numbing tangle of security passwords that change practically hourly. I’ve heard folks of a certain IQ have a system that helps them remember all their passwords and keep up with the constant requests to create new ones every month. I am not of that IQ level and therefore lack this life-saving methodology.
Starting in late 2009, after I’d been with my company one year and was tortured with a round of annually updated passwords, I created a system of my own. It in no way mediates my frustration with password masochism, but it does supplement my mental health.
I’ve started creating all my passwords with inspirational little phrases like “Itwillhappen,” “CalmandCollected,” and “Letlovein.” Not only do these meet the required length, they also provide hourly reminders that life isn’t as bad as my couple crabcake clients sometimes lead me to believe. Knowing that “it will happen” feels safe and motivating. I have no idea what I’d like to happen, but that one was my favorite. Every time I typed it I meditated a little thing that I hoped would happen, like making a wish. And, turns out, some of those things DID happen. Talk about taking the universe by the balls!
I still can’t remember anything, but I do start every workday with a hopeful little sigh. Every little bit helps, I suppose. If my techy co-workers knew what a fruitcake I am, I would be mortified. My next password update might need to be “PasswordwillNOTbesharedWithIT.”
Starting in late 2009, after I’d been with my company one year and was tortured with a round of annually updated passwords, I created a system of my own. It in no way mediates my frustration with password masochism, but it does supplement my mental health.
I’ve started creating all my passwords with inspirational little phrases like “Itwillhappen,” “CalmandCollected,” and “Letlovein.” Not only do these meet the required length, they also provide hourly reminders that life isn’t as bad as my couple crabcake clients sometimes lead me to believe. Knowing that “it will happen” feels safe and motivating. I have no idea what I’d like to happen, but that one was my favorite. Every time I typed it I meditated a little thing that I hoped would happen, like making a wish. And, turns out, some of those things DID happen. Talk about taking the universe by the balls!
I still can’t remember anything, but I do start every workday with a hopeful little sigh. Every little bit helps, I suppose. If my techy co-workers knew what a fruitcake I am, I would be mortified. My next password update might need to be “PasswordwillNOTbesharedWithIT.”
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Resolutions are for the delusional
Instead of coming up with a list of resolutions that have little hope of becoming fully realized, I have instead come up with a list of things I will NOT do in 2010. Not sure this is any more realistic than a comically optimistic, too-long list of shit I can only wildly dream of doing but it is a new decade, after all. Blind hope is one thing I do have in a world of constant disappointment.
Huh, uh….Things that will not get done in 2010:
1. I will not become fluent in Spanish. My only hope of doing that requires a 6 month sabbatical in Oaxaca and I don’t intend to do that until 2014.
2. I will not eat veal. It’s never been a problem before so why not throw in some low hanging fruit.
3. I will not acquire all my nutrients from Pasta Roni and other processed noodle meals.
4. I will not use Facebook as a supplement for real-life conversation. I will also not use Facebook for revenge/bullying/dating/shopping/blackmail/therapy/meaning in life.
5. I will not be proud that I’m now a Sephora Super-Duper VIP member or whatever they call it. Pride in the amount of money I spend at that store should not ever be celebrated (or even admitted to).
6. I will not make fun of Virginia. This is a tough one, but I have a new incentive to think happy thoughts about the state just to the south. There’s cheese and forehead kisses in it for me and so I shall hold my tongue.
7. I will not just think about responding to emails, texts, VM, and other invitations. I will actually respond to them.
8. I will not stay within my 10 block radius. I say this every year, but this year I’m really going to try to go to such exotic locations as the Botanical Gardens, the Smithsonian, and Baltimore. I also will not use all my vacation time going to Nebraska.
9. I will not worry about turning 30. I’ll just turn it and see what happens.
10. I will not give myself a hard time if I end up doing any of these things. Resolving to make changes in life requires a healthy dose of self-patience and forgiveness.
Huh, uh….Things that will not get done in 2010:
1. I will not become fluent in Spanish. My only hope of doing that requires a 6 month sabbatical in Oaxaca and I don’t intend to do that until 2014.
2. I will not eat veal. It’s never been a problem before so why not throw in some low hanging fruit.
3. I will not acquire all my nutrients from Pasta Roni and other processed noodle meals.
4. I will not use Facebook as a supplement for real-life conversation. I will also not use Facebook for revenge/bullying/dating/shopping/blackmail/therapy/meaning in life.
5. I will not be proud that I’m now a Sephora Super-Duper VIP member or whatever they call it. Pride in the amount of money I spend at that store should not ever be celebrated (or even admitted to).
6. I will not make fun of Virginia. This is a tough one, but I have a new incentive to think happy thoughts about the state just to the south. There’s cheese and forehead kisses in it for me and so I shall hold my tongue.
7. I will not just think about responding to emails, texts, VM, and other invitations. I will actually respond to them.
8. I will not stay within my 10 block radius. I say this every year, but this year I’m really going to try to go to such exotic locations as the Botanical Gardens, the Smithsonian, and Baltimore. I also will not use all my vacation time going to Nebraska.
9. I will not worry about turning 30. I’ll just turn it and see what happens.
10. I will not give myself a hard time if I end up doing any of these things. Resolving to make changes in life requires a healthy dose of self-patience and forgiveness.
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