Thursday, September 18, 2008

Breakin' up is hard to do?

I'm a pro at breakups. I have them all the time and have managed to get quite good at it like one might get good at chess or snowboarding. I got another practice last night.

There are lots of ways to deal with a breakup. You can wallow in self pity. You can start nasty STD rumors about the newly excised. You can run out and have a silly rebound. My strategy of choice is to negate the importance of the entire relationship. The beauty of this method is that as soon as you do it, it immediately becomes reality...a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. (This can be either good or lousy, depending on how sentimental you are.)

I have a well-rehearsed speech beginning with "I never liked him that much anyway" and ending with a complaint i didn't feel compelled to speak aloud while we were together; sometimes easy to rationalize (i.e. "He was an alcoholic."), sometimes more a stretch (i.e. "His shoes were too white and he didn't even like edamame.") However near or far i need to reach, complaining always makes me feel that there is someone else out there without these lame qualities...someone fabulous who is man enough to adore my quircks and like me anyway.

I didn't date last night's heartbreak long enough to be broken up about it, thank goodness. But, he did lend me the book High Fidelity, which i'm now frantically trying to finish before i have to give it back.

Even though i'm only on page 26 (ironically, a metaphor for the relationship that just ended), I did have much fun thus far. So, in honor of Nick Hornby and because my one and only forever lasting love will undoubtedly be music, here are my all-time top 5 breakup songs:

1. How To Fight Loneliness by Wilco







Well said. You do just laugh at every joke and smile all the time. And, most importantly, it is very wise to know that the first thing that you want is the last thing you ever need. Self help book? Not necessary. Just listen to this song on repeat.

2. It Hurt So Bad by Susan Tedeschi







I love her voice because it reminds me of Janice Joplin. If you need to be cheered up after being dumped play this at high volume with a group of sympathetic friends and sing along using empty (or full) wine bottles as microphones.

3. Greatest Mistake by Handsome Boy Modeling School







Hip hop has fortunately evolved to talk of things other than the constant pain inflicted by the opposite sex. Leave it to Handsome Boy to come up with a song that is simultaneously sexy, sad, and cleverly written.

4. By Myself by Res







This song is dedicated to only one of my breakups, but if given enough thought, could probably be applicable to the others as well. I'm considering changing my theme song from 32 Flavors to this one.

5. Heavy Heart by You Am I







This is quite possibly the saddest, most pathetic song ever written. I can hardly even feel sorry for myself listening to it, so consumed am i by this poor man's wine stains. If there is ever a song more sad than this, please don't ever share it with me.

And so another one bites the dust. Because i protectively guard my own feelings and selectively bestow my affection and trust, i'm somehow perceived as being covered in poisonous blowfish spines underneath my clothes. What else is new? I'm dating only thick-skinned fisherman from now on. Spread the word.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I've got a f-eva

I discovered a delightful distraction this week that has helped me completely blow off work and daydream away most of my afternoons...There Will Be Breakdowns. This is a blog created by a dear friend of mine from Sydney who is driving a van across the country with her dog, Ralph (he got his name from throwing up on a bratty kid...my kind of pup). She calls it a Vanta-C. I like to live vicariously through all my friends, but this is like accompanying Madonna, Kerouac, and Earhart to the moon in a vintage blimp. It is simply fabulous.

What I like most is that she admits to crying a lot. Crying for me is an unsustainable waste of water, one terrifying step closer to an IV drip. However, I do it often and have little control over when and where it will take place. My desk at work has become a favorite spot lately. I also like to cry while walking down Connecticut Avenue. The canal near the Georgetown waterfront is another good spot. I try not to cry at home because it upsets Olive.

On a kinda related note, I quit my job yesterday. I don't have plans to use the contents of my "Don't You Dare Touch This" ING savings account on a cross-country adventure with Olive sitting shotgun. I'm not cool enough to pull it off and, more importantly, Olive usually throws up in cars. So, I just got another job instead. I did all my crying over it last week. Now the adventure can begin.

Send my friend bunches of good energy. Her adventure will without doubt be amazing. And, since my new job will be helping small non-profits launch mega-successful online fundraising campaigns, it is only appropriate that i start right now by encouraging all my readers to donate to the Vanta-C. Let's keep gas in this girl's tank and keep the hope alive that you can still drop everything and travel unarmed across this country with only Apple electronics to keep you on track.

Good luck girl! You're incredible.