Not Beige

Grief is a strange thing. It goes without saying that everyone does it differently. It brings some people closer and pulls others apart. It allows some people to soften and others it makes hard. It is private and public and everything in between. It cannot be practiced. It is always unfair.

My young soul doesn't allow me to mediate complex feelings very easily which creates quite a conundrum in situations of grief. I avoid. Vehemently. I don't attend funerals if possible and never know what to say to someone in tears. Sentimentality makes me very uncomfortable. I once peed my pants in an old folks home when I was in 5th grade because I was so anxious amongst the dying and the sad. I'm better at logistics...cook, clean, plan, anything behind the scenes, make sure the world keeps turning.

Do I do these things well? No, of course not. Grief isn't something you do well.

And then there is other people... Some folks are professionals at the overwhelming task of making others feel better. I am not one of these people. I'm not overly perceptive or gentle. I don't know the right words and have bad timing. Verbalizing my own feelings is nearly impossible which makes helping someone else with theirs painfully futile. I want to, but when I can't, there is a slippery weight added to my shoulders and an insecurity that tortures me constantly.

Now try them both at once... Working through a combination of the grief of others along with my own has proven too much for me on several occasions lately. Attack and flee has been my very unsavory reaction at times. I guess it is better than peeing my pants but still...I wish I could do better. Resisting the expectations others have for me while simultaneously hoping someone will have compassion for my own is not wise or possible, I realize. I wish there was a way to take expectations away entirely. Who is good at this? Tell me.

The weight of one thing added to another and another. Then add worry and fear and misunderstanding and someone else's thing and then another thing. It all starts to feel the same...very much like dragging a horse around. I'm not a weak person but I sure do feel like it lately. Horses are really heavy.

Perfect timing on this song. I hope she knows what she's talking about. It certainly is dark around here so hopefully that means dawn is coming.

Shake it Out by Florence + The Machine