Stay away from windows and spindles

Mom introduced me to a song by Sara Bareilles that she thought was quite relevant in my life of disastrous romance and consequential bitterness. Basically the song goes through various Disney bombshells and disproves their fairytale loves lives with a realistic dose of cynicism.

Clearly, my life is no fairytale romance. I've had several serious, long-term relationships and, just as they approach a commitment tipping point, I decide they aren't right for me after all and send the shocked and heartbroken boy packing. My rationale is, much like the deceptive love lives of Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, I can pretend happiness, keeping my concerns quiet, sometimes for years, even when I know that I could never commit myself by law to men with very clear personality or lifestyle conflicts with me. Why I don't toss them to the wayside immediately has always been a mystery.

More recently, I've also managed to fall hard for a man so completely wrong for me that I fear I shall never outlive the shame of my own compliance with his disrespect. Much like Snow White and her f*@ked up relationship with the dwarves, I was willing to bend over backwards to make it work. Like Ariel, I entertained the thought of giving up my standards of excellence to be with someone who wasn't even housetrained. Like Jasmine, I was fooled by an ill-behaved loser in fancy clothes. This experience has pretty much turned me into a wicked witch, but has also made me wonder how many non-believers I've turned out over my years of corrupt fairytales. I hope not many.

Am I a relationship poser? Or am I just the epitome of a hopeless romantic infused with a little sass? Either way, this Bareilles song has some good advice. First and foremost, there is no float-on-a-cloud love that comes from blind appreciation and unquestioned patience for someone who isn't right for you.

What to do? Fling myself from the nearest castle tower? Impale myself on a spindle? Probably not. Keep kissing frogs? Exhausting! I guess for now I'll just keep my hair trimmed and stay away from windows. I don't want fairytale love anyway. I want genuine, realistic happiness with a little candlelight and a few kisses on the neck mixed in.

Not such an unrealistic happy ending to hope for, in my opinion.

Anonymous Comment Box

Sometimes you need to tell someone something that you know will not come out right. Perhaps it is a bit of constructive criticism or perhaps it is a flat-out bitchy complaint. But, no matter how you say it, it will likely result in at least one person with hurt feelings. How do you avoid these socially-awkward situations?

I propose an anonymous comment box. How else could one exchange information with people of varying density those opinions that, sure, probably could be left unsaid?

I shall now use this blog as my anonymous comment box for relationships, both personal and professional.

• If you're taking me on a date, please don't show up at my house and ask what i want to do. Have a plan or at least a suggestion or two. It means a lot.
• I know you can't help it, but your snoring really bugs me.
• If you are a graphic designer and don't know how to design for the web, please don't call yourself a web designer. There is a difference.
• Stand to the FUCKING right, walk to the left!!!!!!!! Please.
• Please don't ask me out on used pieces of mail or other rubbish. If you're going for tacky, you're on the right track.
• Just because we work together doesn't mean i want to chat you up on the metro, especially in the morning.

That's all I can come up with for now...going to dinner with Reid. Please feel free to use this blog as your own anonymous comment box. I would much enjoy some collaborative bitching and moaning.

Dear God

I saw this amazing website today: http://www.dear-god.net/

Being in the online marketing field, I'm always scouring the web for the next hip and cool internet fad. And though I'm not big on God generally (I am atheist), I can't deny that this site is mega powerful and engaging. Also, I frequently like to live in fantasy non-realities of my own design (remember that panacea for feelings rubbish?) so today I am taking a trip down the "righteous path."

This particular entry made me giggle. If only...

Dear God,Could you send me a new boyfriend please? The last one
was rubbish, frankly, and could have benefited from a rethink of his sideburns,
amongst other things. The quality isn't what it used to be either and I find I
have to dispose of them far more quickly these days. AND they're more expensive.
So much for quality control. So, yes, a new boyfriend (preferably Joaquin
Phoenix but I'm happy to road test others) would be smashing. Please have him
washed and brought to my tent. Thanks ever so.Baroness Von Urquhart -
London

So, I might as well give it a try. He/She has never answered me before, but given my mild hangover from last night's Live Warfield concert, I could use the distraction from work for a bit.

Dear God,
Could you please tone it down a notch on this whole "being a grown-up" thing? Frankly, it is exhausting and not much fun. Bills, cubicles, complicated relationships, silly expectations about marriage and kids, Crystal City...i mean, come on?! I could really use a break. I'm not saying I want to go back to being a kid. I just want being a grown-up to be a tiny bit easier. Perhaps you could send me a condo? That would be fun. Or maybe you could send me a sexy guy who adores me and has proper manners and doesn't mind that I'm a little eccentric? Can he be an orphan? I sense that in-laws were
probably created by the other one down below. Also, could you make walnut cream
sauce and goat cheese ravioli fat-free please? I really love it the way it is,
but summer is coming and that whole swimsuit thing is kinda scaring me.

Thank you very much.
Rachael – Washington,
DC

Oh, and could you please make January 20, 2009 come a
little faster. I'm really tired of that guy. I'm sure you are too.