Kisses with tongue

It is well known that i am in the throes of an intense and satisfying love affair, the most life-altering relationship to date...with my dog, Olive.

Dogs are, without a doubt, one of the most charming creatures on this planet, up there with otters and pandas. Now, i'm not belittling the importance and loveliness of cats. I have some very dear friends that would scratch my eyes out if i ever spoke ill of the feline. Let's just go with a disclaimer that Rachael, though appreciative of the cat, is completely bias towards dogs.

My dog shows me near obsessive loyalty, friendship, and love; never passing judgement, even after witnessing my chronic misbehaviour; always thrilled to see me, however briefly i've been away; constantly worrying about my whereabouts and safety, much like an attentive nanny or suspicious prison warden. I've come to realize that this kind of devotion is not possible with a human companion. I've given up on a human version of unconditional love.

However, my adoration of Olive has taught me many things about loving unconditionally and generally being a better person. My mom also got me a lovely book a while back filled with interesting observations about how applying dog traits to my everyday actions could make my life happier. The following lessons i have learned from my own fluffy therapist:

1. Ask for what you want. If you want a Greenie, much like if you want a promotion, just ask for it. You'll probably get what you want just for being ballsy enough to ask.


2. If you don't get what you want when you ask, keep asking. Eventually you'll become annoying enough to get a positive response.


3. Have preferences. If you don't like carrots in your food, remove them from your dish and place on the floor. You are likely to get no carrots the next time you are fed.


4. Get excited. Nothing makes people feel like pleasing you more than acting happy when you are pleased.


5. Be important. It is OK to know that you are worth extra effort and are worthy of praise, affection, and time.


6. Don't apologize. Sometimes you fuck up. But you try harder next time. Your real friends will continue to love you anyway.


7. Sometimes you need only sit quietly next to someone to make them feel better.


8. Growl before biting.


9. Be spoiled. Indulge yourself in things that make you feel good. Eat well, drink well, take naps, take yoga, get a full-body rub down...whatever makes you happy, do that.


10. Don't be bothered. If you don't want to sit, keep standing. Don't do things you don't want to. (This life lesson is specific to the Shih Tzu.)

I recently celebrated 3 years with Olive by hosting a fabulous dinner party and cocktail celebration that went well into the following morning, as most of my parties do. Friends came unexpectedly from far and wide to help us celebrate and, from the look of my house the next morning, a terrific time was had by all.

Olive perhaps taught all our guests a few additional lessons that night as well. For example, if an unwanted guest shows up (the adorable Miss Dutchess, the English Bulldog), just take a shit on the floor so that everyone at the party knows you are unhappy. Also, if you are underage, it is best to steal swigs of champagne when your mum isn't looking.